1 January 2018

NEW YEAR, OLD WOBBLES


As I am writing this it is 23:46 on New Years Eve. I am sat alone at my desk with the sound of celebratory fireworks going off outside my bedroom window. I’m in an odd mood. Somewhere between the feelings of depression and excitement.

These last two weeks of Christmas have been some of the most wonderful I have had in a long time. In previous years, Christmas had always been something of a sad occasion. Last year I spent the entire day thinking about suicide and why there was no point in being here any more. The year before, my Mum had just found out she had cancer for the second time. This year however, I spent days upon end with family and friends, rekindling old friendships and loves, as well as enjoying time with new and more recent friends. It was so much more than I hoped it would be and it’s without a doubt a year I will never forget.

However, as Christmas is a time where a lot of places are closed and bank holidays add even more days to people’s breaks, it means that on those odd occasions where, say, you may think you have an extra packet of anti-depressants and it turns out you don’t so you need to go to the doctors to get a new prescription, it is slightly harder to do so as doctors and pharmacies are closed. I understand this is completely necessary as every single person deserves time off, it’s just frustrating when I happen to run out of pills at this exact time. Even more frustrating is how it only takes a couple of days for me to go from ecstatic happiness to this feeling of darkness. And even more than the even more, it’s frustrating when the day the darkness hits, is a few days after the Christmas festivities end, a few days after I have to say goodbye to someone incredibly special to me, and a few days before the new year celebrations begin. As one of my 2017 resolutions was to end it in a happy place, I wished more than anything that as the year where I rediscovered Happy-Alex was coming to a close, I would finish it on the same high I’d had all year.

Alas, depression, brains and chemicals don’t work like that, so whilst I feel like crying now the clock has just struck midnight and 2018 is finally here and I am sat alone in the dark with no love to kiss, no family to hug and no friend to cheers with, I need to remember that it’s simply a chemical deficiency in my brain and that I am not really going back to the dark place.

Then it’s as if someone has flicked a switch in me. Once I remember that the distance I have come this year in terms of mental health is still valid even if I was taking pills to help, it’s like the happiness is my brain suddenly awakens and I think of all the possibilities and opportunities that 2018 can bring. These tiny little pills I reply on are simply a way of allowing me to be on the same playing field as everyone else with ‘normal’ brains and once I have got my pills again and am at that balanced place, I can continue as I was. As happy, positive, optimistic, adventurous, dreaming Alex.

Most of my posts have a reason or a message to them. With this one however, I just felt the urge to write. I suppose this is just a reminder that whilst someone can seem absolutely fine one minute, they may be in a totally different place the next. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Or them. It’s just our brains being slightly askew and they wobble a bit every now and again. Maybe you’re in a wobbly place like me at the moment. Or maybe you’re doing fab. Either way, it’s all ok. Just remember there’s nothing actually wrong with YOU as a person, it’s just our brains that sometimes do better or worse than normal. You’re alright. I promise.

2 comments:

  1. I read all your post with the translator. I hope I get it all figured out. I'm so sorry about your bad time. I hope that you can solve and that inside you come back the smile.
    Good 2018 my dear.
    Don't miss my latest post, now on my blog! Kisses from Italy,
    Eni

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    Discover here my latest outfit

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