15 January 2018

HEARTBREAKING REALITY CHECKS


Today’s post is a little different. The start of it was written a few weeks ago but wasn’t finished before something sad happened. It taught me that when you start to feel sad about something (or someone) silly, there is always something far more important to focus on. I’ll fill you in, but first here is the start of the previous post:

    ‘Today’s post was going to be about what happened after my suicide attempt last year but I’ve been feeling really poo today.

When I’ve come such a long way from feeling how I did this time last year to where I have been recently, it’s a wonderful, exhilarating feeling but it’s also a little terrifying. I’m scared that despite doing well, the tiniest thing will tip me over the edge and I’ll be back to that dark place again.

I understand people have down days. It’s completely human. But it’s scary as fuck for someone like myself who doesn’t know how far this feeling will go. Will I be ok in a few hours or a couple of days? Was it just a funny turn in my hormones or chemicals in my brain that will sort themselves out? Or is it the start of last year all over again. As I’m sat typing this right now, the urge to cry is overwhelming. But I can’t do it. What if I start crying and can’t stop? If I cry, am I allowing these feelings to control me and will end up letting in more and more until I’m sat, shaking and howling, and thinking about wanting to end it all? I am genuinely terrified of feeling anything right now.

Perhaps it’s just that I need to start taking my usual higher dose of anti-depressants now. In summer I have either 5 or 10mg depending on my mental state, but in winter it’s always been 20mg no matter what. At one point I asked the doctor if I could have more, but they told me I was taking the most I could before it would start damaging my brain. But then I’m confused as these feelings haven’t been slowly building up, it’s been all of a sudden this week (come to think of it, I started feeling like crap since seeing a certain person who I shan’t name but I’m sure that will have had something to do with it). I’m just frustrated that, if it is that person that’s made me feel like this, then why the hell can’t I control my mind?! How can I let something like another person affect me so much?! I know, I know. It’s normal. People make you feel all kinds of things. But I’m just angry at myself for letting it control me so damn much. COME ON BRAIN, WE’VE GOT THROUGH SO MUCH WORSE THAT THIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR NOW!?’


After that, I stopped writing and was about to start getting ready for bed before the evening took a bit of a turn. My Step-Dad got a call from the hospital where my Grandad had just been taken to say he wasn’t well, it wasn’t looking good and that he and the family should come as soon as we are able. As I’m sure you could tell, I’d started to feel sad that day about a stupid fucking boy and by the end of the night I was having a panic attack, bawling my eyes out from a doctor telling me my Grandad didn’t make it. Only a few hours before I was terrified of letting my emotions out and crying over someone who doesn’t even deserve my tears, and now I was faced with the fact I’d never see my Grandad again. Needless to say, the thoughts from earlier were laughable in comparison and were pushed not only to the back of my head, but right out of my brain where they would never return.

Sometimes life throws things at you to shake you and wake you up to reality. This was a pretty huge shake and one I would have much preferred if I could have learnt the lesson in a less heart-breaking way, but alas.

Next time you start to feel sad or waste precious energy on silly things or people who shouldn’t have such an effect on you, just remember that there are other much more pressing things to be thinking about and until then happen, don’t let any weedy little thing upset you.

2 comments:

  1. My Grandad died last year on Xmas day, this year (oh last year now actually!) was the 1st anniversary. It has been so hard to cope with the loss, as he was my link to Grandma too. I'm back to get my medication checked again and trying hard to keep on keeping on. If you need a chat ever hit me up.

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