14 January 2018

HOW TO REALLY MOTIVATE YOURSELF - TEN WAYS THAT ACTUALLY WORK


Motivation is one of those things you either have in a day or you simply don't. But that's not to say if you wake up in a I-really-can't-be-fucked mood that you have no hope and should just try again tomorrow. I like to pride myself on being a pretty motivated person (when I'm not a depressed slump but yakno how it is). Whether it's a Monday or a Sunday, my alarm is set for 7am and I'll be up and active by 7.30/8 at the latest. I rarely have a day where I don't have some kind of plan or list in place and, whilst to some of you I'm sure that sounds like hell, I actually love it as being productive is one of my most favourite feelings.

So because of this, as well as a couple of friends saying recently that they're feeling a bit down and unmotivated recently, I wanted to share some of the best things you can do to start and stay motivated everyday, from little daily changes to improving your mindset all together.



ONE
Make a to-do list (no shit sherlock). But I mean a specific to-do list. Think of it more like a plan. It needs to be manageable and completable, not a ridiculous series of incredibly difficult tasks that no one could possibly achieve in one day. And on that note, I’d advise making a weekly list initially. When writing a list, most people tend to put down the same number of tasks whether it is to be completed on one day or over a whole week. If you make a weekly one, you automatically focus on the main priorities of that week, meaning once that is split up into 7 days, it’s a lot more achievable. Just think, if I were to write a combined list of everything I’d ideally like to get done in one day over one week, I’d have about 40 things to do and you can imagine how well that would go.


TWO
Still on the note of to-do lists, write the weeks to do list on a Sunday ready for the next week. On the Monday you will wake knowing the exact plan of action for that week and, if divvied up from Monday to Sunday, you will know which handful of tasks to complete on that day. And even better if you can, I like to tick off one of the tasks on the Sunday too as this starts me off already on the right track.



THREE
This one is painfully cliché but I can’t pretend it doesn’t work for me. Find some kind of visual, whether it’s a stimulating image or an inspirational quote that really gets you going and set it as your phone background. Mine is currently a quote that reads:

“DO SOMETHING TODAY THAT YOUR FUTURE SELF WILL THANK YOU FOR”.

Everyday I will end up looking at that quote God knows how many times, and it reminds me to do something, whether it is big or little, that my future self will be grateful for. It also means that when I head to bed, put my phone on the side and I read it again, I think of the things I did to complete that task and feel glad knowing it wasn’t a wasted day.


FOUR
Work out (and write down if it helps) what your goal actually is. You need a motive to be motivated, so clearly think about what it is you want to achieve, what specific steps you can take to get started, and focus on that for a few minutes before you start. If it’s something you desperately long for, it will also get you excited about the prospect of achieving it and we all know excitement is something that fuels motivation.



FIVE
Look at other people achieving what you want, but don’t use it as a reason to feel sorry for yourself and that you should be ashamed because you’re not there yet. Look at them as an example. It’s proof that someone has been able to accomplish the goal you want for yourself, that it’s actually possible, and that there’s no reason it can’t be you too if you’re willing to put in the time and effort like they have. If the information is available, also make notes on ways they got to where they are and start looking into how you can do these too.


SIX
Bringing it back to daily tasks, do those little things that you know get you in a positive mood. For me, I know I will have a productive day if I get up early, make my bed, head to the gym, and have a healthy breakfast. Even if I then don’t do anything on my to-do list for a couple of hours, I know I’ve started the day in a good way (and have already done one thing my future self will thank me for, those squats were hard today but you’re welcome future peachy bum) and can easily pick up that motivation again at any point.



SEVEN
Similar to points three and five, look at anything that you take inspiration from. If you’re a creative person, type in your goal or related terms into Pinterest and feel inspired by that. If you’re a book worm, read your favourite quotes or a bit from the book that makes motivation flow through you like a lightening bolt. If you’re an exercise enthusiast, look through old pictures and at yourself now to see the amazing progress you’ve made and picture what you can achieve in even more time. If you’re a music lover, put on that playlist that gets you pumped and ready to get shit going no matter where you are or what you’re doing.


EIGHT
Spend five minutes clearing your space, both mental and physical. If you have things on your mind, dates to remember, people to reply to, tasks you mustn’t forget, spend a few minutes just writing them down on a piece of paper and clear them from your head. You can go back after you’ve completed your tasks to organise these thoughts into diaries, texts or to-do lists, but for now just get them out of your brain. Be sure to also do the same for your work space. Clear it of old mugs, stray pens, and piles of unseen-to paperwork and start fresh with a clean desk.



NINE
Stop procrastinating. Easier said than done, right? Actually no, not at all. Put simply, procrastinating is getting distracted therefore focus is the elimination of distraction. Whatever your distraction, whether it be your phone, computer, friend, pet, etc, put it somewhere out of sight. I don’t just mean on a table next to you. I mean put it in a box and put it under the sink (not advised for the friend or pet). Literally remove anything you can be distracted by and start. Go and sit on the damn bathroom floor if you need to.


TEN
Just fucking start. Like, literally just start. Starting can be the hardest thing of all so even if you only write one small paragraph of your essay then stop or you only roughly trace out the design you need to create then stop or you only make a list of three easy exercises you want to do then stop, the sooner you start, the sooner you’ll finish, the sooner you achieve something.



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OUTFIT
hat, old
jumper*, lotd
trousers*, miss pap
boots and belt, primark
watch, fit bit

PHOTOGRAPHY
Olivia Madeley
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7 January 2018

SHOVE YOUR NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS UP YOUR BUM (and then make more)


I’m aware new years resolutions are supposed to be declared and started on the first of January, but I’m also aware that these resolutions we make aren’t always the smartest. Eat healthy. Work out more (‘more’? what the hell is ‘more’? Once ‘more’ than nothing at all? ‘More’ as in twice everyday?). Drink more water (there’s than damn ‘more’ again).

If you’ve set these goals then I first want to say good on you for looking to use the new year as a starting point for self improvement. It’s one of the most important things you can do. But I also just want to say, bullshit.

Ok, so you want to eat healthier. You currently eat 2 pastries for breakfast, McDonald’s for lunch, pizza for dinner and finish it all off with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s for pudding. In order to 'eat healthier’ than this, you could just cut out the last half tub of ice cream and you’re already achieving your goal. But I’m guessing that’s not quite what you meant, right? So how about never eating anything bad and having fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch, fish and veggies for dinner and cutting out pudding all together. Every day. 365 days. No? Not what you’re after either?


What I’m trying to get at is that if there is no actual measurement of your goals, it’s going to be very hard to achieve it. Even if you committed yourself to doing the last healthy eating option and managed to keep it up for 5 months, that one time you give in and have a beer in the summer or a piece of damn birthday cake on you damn birthday because god damn you deserve it, you’ll feel guilty and like you’ve failed (then we all know that from there it goes something like - ‘I’m a failure’, ‘I knew I couldn’t keep up something like this’, ‘fuck it, I’ve failed anyway so will give up and eat whatever.’ *proceeds to eat like I suggested in option one of healthier eating, puts on 4 stone and feels like a potato*).

This may be hard to read as you genuinely believe you can keep up whatever immeasurable goal you have set yourself, but the only reason I feel ok with telling you this is because I’ve done this time and time again. Set goal. Fail goal. Feel miserable. 

The other reason I feel I can say this is because, despite my tried and failed attempts, last year I managed to actually fulfil some of my new years resolutions (I say some as there was one that was pretty impractical and I could never have reached it). My goals for 2017 were as follows:


1. Read 10 books.
2. Save £4000.
3. Declutter everything.
4. End the year feeling happy.


The first two are a good example of measurable goals. Read 10 books is very simple. You find ten books you want to read and you read them. Goal = achieved. I’d also like to add that for you judgmental bookworms reading that thinking ‘oh my god she could only manage 10 books, har har har’, firstly I want to say fuck you and stop being such a bitch. Secondly, 10 books for someone who previously didn’t even enjoy reading magazines or pretty much any kind of writing, is damn good.

The second one is a good example of how, even if your goal can be measured and tracked, you also need to make sure you create a resolution that is actually achievable. I earned no where near enough and had too many outgoings to save anything, let alone that ridiculous amount. From that I learnt to aim towards something actually possible and don’t pick ideas or numbers out of the air like I did. Like £4000? Where the hell did I get that number from?! If it’s saving you want to do, spend time actually working out how much you earn, how much you spend, and how much you can safely afford to save. Once you’ve done that, split the total into 365 days and work out how much you need to save per day. Trying to save £2000 sounds a lot easier if you only have to save a just over a fiver a day.


As for the last two, they are kind of immeasurable ones, but can also be achieved. By ‘declutter everything’, I was referring to a book I had read called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Kondo. It’s a book I received for Christmas the year before and after reading it, I knew I needed to do something about the ridiculous amounts of possessions I had. I was one of those people that my friends would go for if they needed anything specific. Stupid amounts of clothes for photoshoots or fancy dress? Go to Alex. Need a tent? Alex has one. How about every piece of kitchen equipment ever invented despite her never actually cooking? Onwards to Alex we go. I could go on but you get the picture. I don’t know so much if it was hoarding (yes it was Alex, just admit you had a problem), but it was something that was becoming increasingly inconvenient and needed to be sorted. So what ‘declutter everything’ actually translated as, was ‘sort out all your possessions in the Marie Kondo way of tidying’ as this is a specific method written about in her book. If sorting out your stuff is something you want to do this year, then I highly recommend her book.

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're doing something."
Neil Gaiman

The last, and possibly most important goal, was to end the year happy. Not drunk happy because I’ve had a bottle and a half of prosecco and I’m dancing to Beyonce as the clock strikes midnight. No, I mean proper, deep down, genuinely happy. As it turned out, I had run out of my anti-depressants a week before New Years so wasn’t feeling the best, but I know 100% that if my brain had been at it’s normal levels, I’d have achieved this one too. This is a difficult goal to categorise as, although it can’t really be measured in anything, it will generally give an achieved or not-achieved result. It’s a good goal to have too as it’s something you can almost subconsciously work on throughout the year, doing little things and making little changes to improve your mental health, until at the end of the year you realise how far you’ve come and how much genuine happiness you now feel.


As for my resolutions this year, I want to pay back the money I owe my mum, read 20 books (although I think I will surpass that easily like I did with last year’s 10 books), regularly see a therapist, and a lighthearted but good one, stop putting off replying to messages and respond as soon as I can! As well as these yearly ones, I love doing one extra resolution each month. This month I am focussing on getting all of my tasks done on my forever-to-do list as I call it. It’s all those things that jump from one list to the next, never getting done, and just being pushed further and further down. For me these are things like claim on my insurance for my broken GoPro, alter all the clothes I bought from years ago that weren’t quite right, and edit together all the footage I have from the past two years that never got finished. 

So now go, my New Years cherubs. Throw away that list of resolutions you made a mere 8 days ago and start again with measurable, realistic and positive goals, as well as maybe joining me on this months resolution. If you’re lacking in ideas for monthly goals, I’ve listed a few below to help inspire you and get you going.

1. Volunteer once a week (Race for Life, Age UK phone calls, usher at charity events, help in local charity shops)
2. Reply to all messages as soon as you can
3. Read a book a week
4. Do 20/50/100 squats/press ups/sit ups a day (whatever your ability or exercise of choice)
5. Drink 1 litre of water everyday (2 is recommended but we’re starting reasonable, right?)
6. Meditate for 10 minutes everyday
7. Put aside £25 a week (end of month = £100 saved!)
8. Turn phone off by 9pm every normal night (normal nights being those not out for dinner, drinks, other occasions when you may need your phone)
9.  Ring your parents/grandparents/children/siblings once a week to catch up
10. Take one day off from social media per week

Now go, rejoice and start with a new-year-new-me mindset (even if you like to pretend to the rest of the world that it’s a load of bullshit).

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OUTFIT
shirt, h&m
pinafore, primark
boots, vintage
hat, had since I was a child

PHOTOGRAPHY

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1 January 2018

NEW YEAR, OLD WOBBLES


As I am writing this it is 23:46 on New Years Eve. I am sat alone at my desk with the sound of celebratory fireworks going off outside my bedroom window. I’m in an odd mood. Somewhere between the feelings of depression and excitement.

These last two weeks of Christmas have been some of the most wonderful I have had in a long time. In previous years, Christmas had always been something of a sad occasion. Last year I spent the entire day thinking about suicide and why there was no point in being here any more. The year before, my Mum had just found out she had cancer for the second time. This year however, I spent days upon end with family and friends, rekindling old friendships and loves, as well as enjoying time with new and more recent friends. It was so much more than I hoped it would be and it’s without a doubt a year I will never forget.

However, as Christmas is a time where a lot of places are closed and bank holidays add even more days to people’s breaks, it means that on those odd occasions where, say, you may think you have an extra packet of anti-depressants and it turns out you don’t so you need to go to the doctors to get a new prescription, it is slightly harder to do so as doctors and pharmacies are closed. I understand this is completely necessary as every single person deserves time off, it’s just frustrating when I happen to run out of pills at this exact time. Even more frustrating is how it only takes a couple of days for me to go from ecstatic happiness to this feeling of darkness. And even more than the even more, it’s frustrating when the day the darkness hits, is a few days after the Christmas festivities end, a few days after I have to say goodbye to someone incredibly special to me, and a few days before the new year celebrations begin. As one of my 2017 resolutions was to end it in a happy place, I wished more than anything that as the year where I rediscovered Happy-Alex was coming to a close, I would finish it on the same high I’d had all year.

Alas, depression, brains and chemicals don’t work like that, so whilst I feel like crying now the clock has just struck midnight and 2018 is finally here and I am sat alone in the dark with no love to kiss, no family to hug and no friend to cheers with, I need to remember that it’s simply a chemical deficiency in my brain and that I am not really going back to the dark place.

Then it’s as if someone has flicked a switch in me. Once I remember that the distance I have come this year in terms of mental health is still valid even if I was taking pills to help, it’s like the happiness is my brain suddenly awakens and I think of all the possibilities and opportunities that 2018 can bring. These tiny little pills I reply on are simply a way of allowing me to be on the same playing field as everyone else with ‘normal’ brains and once I have got my pills again and am at that balanced place, I can continue as I was. As happy, positive, optimistic, adventurous, dreaming Alex.

Most of my posts have a reason or a message to them. With this one however, I just felt the urge to write. I suppose this is just a reminder that whilst someone can seem absolutely fine one minute, they may be in a totally different place the next. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Or them. It’s just our brains being slightly askew and they wobble a bit every now and again. Maybe you’re in a wobbly place like me at the moment. Or maybe you’re doing fab. Either way, it’s all ok. Just remember there’s nothing actually wrong with YOU as a person, it’s just our brains that sometimes do better or worse than normal. You’re alright. I promise.

6 December 2017

2017 CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE - ALL UNDER £20


So it's here. Somehow it's already December, 2017 is nearly up and it's time to start thinking about Christmas. To make it easy for everyone, I've made a HUGE christmas gift guide for all different types of people and all for under £20 - you can thank me later ;)

Take a look at the categories below and slide across each widget for even more options! As things go out of stock, I will be replacing them with new items so be sure to check back and see what new things have been added! Happy shopping!

CLOTHES



ACCESSORIES

 
TECH



HOMEWARE

HOBBIES



HAIR & BEAUTY



STATIONARY



CHILDREN


SELF CARE


CARDS



16 November 2017

MY BEST FAILURE: ONE YEAR ON SINCE MY SUICIDE ATTEMPT

 
Today marks one year since I made the best failure of my life. Today marks one year since I attempted to take my own life.

I want to first just give a trigger warning for this post. I’ll be talking about suicide so if anyone feels uncomfortable with the subject then I’d advise you read with caution.

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a long time but never knew when the right time would be. I knew the anniversary of the attempt was coming up soon as I remember it being in November, but funnily enough ‘to-do: end life’ isn’t something I put in my diary. The only way I knew how to find out the exact date was by looking at the Facebook post that was written on that day. That post was the final straw for me, but I’ll talk later about that. I won’t be naming anyone in this story other than those that have helped me as, although this is my story, it’s not only my story and I don’t feel I have the right to tell you about their input.


So let’s start with the year 2016. For myself and many others, it was a really crappy year to say the least. You can watch a short video I made about it here but I’ll explain in a little more detail. I was in my final year of uni which is of course the hardest. I was doing fashion design and the amount of work we had to produce was ridiculous, almost bordering impossible. I’d spend literally 13 hours a day in the studio working solidly to barely scrape by. Wake up, uni work, home, sleep, repeat. That was my life for months. Not long prior to that, my cat Charlie also had to be put down (if you’re like me and your pets are literally like family, then you’ll know why that was so heartbreaking). That year I also lost contact with one of my best friends, my boyfriend of the time and I broke up, my mum had cancer for the second time (this time much more serious), my Grandad had cancer and was deteriorating pretty fast, I felt let down by family the year before so was still not in contact with them, I was in a job that I hated, and was barely making enough money to get by each month. Oh and I have severe depression so take all of the above and multiply the misery by 10.

I’ve had depression for years so was used to feeling low, but this was something else entirely. I remember the first time I thought about suicide. I must have been around 14 and it was over a boy who didn’t like me. I was in bed, silently crying my eyes out and reached up to the shelves above my bed to grab a metal hair clip I’d put there earlier. I tried to hack and hack at my wrists but the clip just wouldn’t cut. I remember thinking then that I wanted to die but I didn’t actually want to not be alive. It’s an incredibly confusing feeling but if you’ve felt this before you know exactly what I mean.

Last year was very different though. This time I wanted to die, to not be alive, to stop the suffering I was in. I just thought that if there was nothing left to be happy about in my life, why would I want to carry on for years and years in misery.

 

I’d previously done research on suicide, searching google for ‘easiest way to kill yourself’ and ‘how many pills does it take to die’. It seems like the kind of thing that would be obvious, but when you’re so set on doing it, you want to be 100% sure that you know what you’re doing and that it won’t fail. I knew I wanted something pain and mess free so pills seemed like the right way for me. Despite doing the research, I didn’t do it right away. It’s like I wanted to know all the information before I reached my lowest point so that I was prepared for action straight away. Despite this, a week or so before the proper attempt, I was alone in my flat and I’d got into such a state that I was in hysterics and searching frantically for something I could cut myself with. I headed to the kitchen, grabbed a small knife from the drawer, slumped to the floor and stared at the knife. I tested the waters first. How much force would it take to actually cut through my skin? It turns out it’s more than you’d think. That knife didn’t do anything. So I returned to the drawer to find another sharper knife. Again it had no affect. I returned for a last time to get a bread knife. I knew this would do the trick if only I had the strength within myself to go against every natural reaction and not pull away. But I didn’t have that strength. By this time I was more and more frustrated by the fact I couldn’t do it so headed to the bathroom, still in a complete state, and went about taking apart my razor to get to one small, deathly-sharp piece of metal. I locked the door, sat on the toilet seat and started. This time it worked, but oh my god the pain was unreal. It sounds silly, but for some reason I didn’t think it would hurt, not quite as much as it did at least. Even whilst I was cutting, I was amazed at the human body and how quickly it reacted. With every cut and draw of blood, it was like someone else was yanking my hand away. Whilst this frustrated me as my body wouldn’t even let me take away what was mine, it made me think - ‘maybe this isn’t right, maybe I’m not 100% dedicated to this, I mean who gets distracted by the amazing biology of the human body whilst trying to kill themselves?!’. So I stopped. I hid the razor blade, went back into my room and slept. The rest of that week I cut a few times again, but getting distracted every time by the amazement of my reactions made me stop each time.


Fast forward to the 16th of November 2016. It was the evening, it was winter and my flatmate Pea and I were both keeping warm in our rooms doing our own thing. I’d been crying all evening but having felt so bad for Pea recently having to deal with all my upset (which I want to add that she had been incredible with), I’d learn how to bawl my eyes out but in complete silence so she wouldn’t hear. I was sat on the floor on my laptop, browsing Facebook as a means to distract myself from feeling so down. Little did I know that this was the worst thing I could have done. Like I said, I’m not going to give names or give anything away that could incriminate anyone, but it’s a post I saw on Facebook that was the final factor in my decision. A simple comment drove me over the edge, as it has the ability to do with many people so please be cautious when posting. I rang my mum to tell her what I’d seen in the hope she could say something to distract me from the suicidal thought that was bubbling inside of me, but by that time I had lost all hope. It’s an interesting saying that - ‘lost all hope’. Used so often but when you really think about those words and what they truly mean, that’s exactly how I felt. There was nothing that I wanted to save myself for anymore.. or so I thought.

We continued on the phone for a while, me practically unable to speak through the tears and her trying to reassure me that we could work through it. Again I’d like to add now that there is nothing more my mum could have done to help me in this situation, she was amazing through it all but I was in a place that even she couldn’t pull me out of. At the end of our call she made me promise I wouldn’t do anything silly. She knew about previous half hearted suicide attempts so the definition of ‘silly’ was perfectly clear to both of us. I promised I wouldn’t and we said our goodbyes, unbeknown to her that I thought it would have been our last.


After a moment, I then headed to the bathroom and reached once more for the razor blade. This time was the one. Without hesitation I went straight through my skin, but not quite deep enough to reach a main vain. A little blood trickled but no where near enough for a person to bleed to death. I tried again and again but still nothing. By this time the amusement I’d once experienced from the speed of my reactions was totally gone and I was angry. Still in hysterics, I needed another plan. Something that would be a sure fire route. Pills. I’d done research so felt like I knew it would be painless, easy, mess free and I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I went into the cupboard in my bedroom, pulled down a basket that contained any pills and medical bits and bobs I had and started rummaging. I pulled out boxes of ibuprofen, paracetamol and antihistamines and laid out everything I had in their little silver sheets. I counted. 47. That should definitely do it. I felt dirty and hot from the episode I’d been having and wanted to be somewhere locked away and alone, without interruption or any saving, so headed for the shower.

By this time the silent crying was a thing of the past and I was letting it all out. Pea stayed in her room as we had this unsaid arrangement that she knew if I was crying alone for a certain amount of time, I wanted to be alone. If it went over that time, I went into her room or I messaged her, then it was time to be super Pea and calm me down. As the loud crying hadn’t been going on that long and I was now running the shower, I presume she thought I wanted to be alone so didn’t interrupt (again, this was her only doing what I had asked and would have had no idea what I was about to do so could have in no way stopped me). I’d taken the pill packets in with me into the shower as well as the razor and just stood bawling for five minutes. Then in a split, panicked second I opened every pill pocket and thrust them into my mouth and swallowed before I could have a second to rethink. What surprised me was how I felt a matter of seconds after swallowing the 47th pill. There was a rush of complete calm that came over me as if I knew it was the end and that it there would be no sadness anymore.


I got out the shower, dried off and headed once more into my room where I then got into bed. Despite the calm, I was still crying so after about 15 minutes Pea came into my room to check on me. By that time I was again in hysterics and Pea was frantically trying to calm me down, reassuring me everything would be fine and I just needed sleep so that by the time I woke up tomorrow, I’d be feeling a bit better. That was my chance to either save myself or just let the pills do their work. Then into my head popped my mum. The thought of tomorrow morning, my Mamo having to receive a call to say I had taken an overdose and had gone to sleep for good, completely broke my heart. How could I do that to her? She’d struggled enough this year with her cancer, her dad, her uni work, and trying to be supportive of me through all of that. I knew it would completely destroy her and I couldn’t do that to the person I loved the most in this whole world. My Mamo is the one who kept me alive.

So to Pea’s ‘things will feel a bit better in the morning’, I replied ‘no it won’t, I won’t be here in the morning’. She struggled to understand me at first through all the blubbering but after making me say it again and a third time to be sure she had heard me correctly, she frantically started asking me what I had done. ‘Alex baby, I need you to tell me what you’ve done. Please please tell me’. Now completely unable to talk at all, I directed her attention to the multiple empty pill packages beside my bed and she understood straight away. After that I’m not 100% sure what happened. I was sat crying and rocking in my bed whilst Pea went off. I assume she called Laura and 999 as shortly after, Laura turned up and then ambulance. They asked me questions, I just about answered, and then took me away in the ambulance to the hospital.


I don’t remember much from the ambulance ride or once getting to hospital. I don’t know if it was because it was late at night and I was sleepy, or the pills had started to make me feel woozy, but it all went really quick and after being with Laura and Pea in the waiting room for a few hours and answering more questions in a side room, I was taken to a bed. Again, I don’t remember a lot of this bit but I know Pea and Laura then headed back home for the night. I stayed overnight and woke to be equally disappointed that I hadn’t succeeded and rejoiced that I was still alive. Not long after, Pea got a lift to the hospital to see me and informed me she had let my mum and step-dad know. They were on their way down to Cornwall already to come and take me home with them for a little while. I don’t remember much from that day other than eating two breakfasts as Pea had bought me some bits from a cafe before heading up to see me and I also got the normal hospital breakfast; there was a lady who wasn’t quite 'with in' in the bed next to me and was wrapping up her breakfast in a napkin and asking the nurse to throw it out the window for the farm animals which was equal amounts sad, funny and sweet; I had to go and see a psych nurse for more questions; and then my mum and Tim turned up which sent me back to tears and apologising for everything I had done.

After I was discharged from the hospital, I was immediately taken back home to Cheltenham where I spent the next three weeks in absolute distress. I’ll do another post next week about what happened when I went home, the months after the attempt, and how I’ve finally got to where I am now as this is already long enough. I don’t want this to be read and think the story ended badly though so if you are someone either struggling or have read this for help, then please read the next post which will be the positive side of this whole event and how it can get better. Below I have put some links to places you can go for help whether you’re someone with depression and suicidal thoughts or if you’re someone concerned about another person’s mental health.

Please also note that everyone who was there to help did everything they could do try and save this from happening but like I said, when someone gets to that place it’s hard to know what to do. Please also do not try and make discussion about this to the people mentioned in this story. I am more than happy to talk to you myself about the event but I don’t want them to feel burdened with questions or remarks. 

LINKS
  • Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you're feeling, or if you're worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org.
  • Childline (0800 1111) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won't show up on your phone bill.
  • PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
  • Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It doesn't have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information.
  • Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts.
  • Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.

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